Dilemma!

Egyptian Mythology says when a person dies, his soul reaches the doors of heaven. To decide whether or not they should be allowed inside, they are asked two questions.

-Morgan Freeman, The Bucket List. 

I've always wondered what would go down once I die. I imagine myself, standing in front of a weird old guy in white robes with a long white beard with white clouds around him and a Visitors' Book in front of him, waiting for a decision. So when I heard Mr. Freeman in the movie, I thought it better to prepare right away the answers to this 'final' examination, than wait for that decisive moment...

Q1. Did you find joy in your life?

This was easy to answer. I picture myself taking a deep breath, and say a single word. 'Yes'.

Well, I do complain a lot about my life. I keep telling everyone how bad it is, how mean life has been. But I never truly hated it. I've had my share of ups and downs, but overall, I think I found joy. A great family and friendships that would make anyone jealous... There were instances when it felt like all the trouble in the world was put in my life, but yes, those were just 'instances'. My life has been jolly good. 

Q2. Did you bring joy to the lives of others?

Ouch. So this is the tricky one, eh? 

First thought: why would he ask me that? Shouldn't he be asking others this question? Rather, shouldn't he be opening my records and reviewing them to see if I have?

Second thought: Maybe he already has. He just wants an honest answer. 

No point lying now...

'See, it is like this...', I begin, 'I've tried the best I could.' Okay, my worst attempt at holding the middle ground.

I can completely imagine the 'it is a dichotomous question' look this bearded guy would give me. Darn. 

So I begin the self-evaluation. I think I was a good child. Responsible enough, I guess, for my parents' comfort. I know I was a good sibling, because I am almost 100% certain they miss me almost as much as I missed them. I assume I am a good co-worker, because most of my project mates didn't have much problem with my way of working. 

That just leaves friendship. To me, it is the purest form of love that exists in the world. Three-quarters of my life's joy is owed to my friends. 

But is it true the other way round?

Sure, my jokes suck.

I try really very hard to hide my jealousy, though I agree I fail at times.

I have this weird tendency to start laughing when I see someone crying.

I expect a lot out of people I call friends, and yes, I am possessive.

But I'm always there to help, if anyone needs me, even if I know I am only making the situation worse. (yeah, that's me :-|)

I've had my share of fun at other's expense, but does that count?

And then... I have broken people's trust. 

Gulp. Oh yes. Yes, I have. But never intentionally, it was always for the greater good, I say. But nothing I say can suppress the guilt now. Nothing at all...

I can hear my heart pounding. I close my eyes, and imagine myself slowly walk away from the golden gates of what I picture to be heaven. I decide I don't want to answer Q.2 right away, after all. 

P.S.: This feels good. Getting free time to write again feels really good.