Pessimism, is it?

Anybody who claims to know me as a person would say I’m like the most negative person they have encountered in their lives. I wouldn’t completely deny that fact. It comes naturally to me.

You see, I am a student of Electronics and Instrumentation Engineering. This might not sound wrong. But trust me, telling anybody you are an EnI student is probably the best way to mock yourself around, at least in BITS. The statement that you get to hear (that’s after they are done laughing) is, “yaar, Mechanical le liya hota!!” Yup, you got it right. It hurts. Many times, it also forces you to rethink your decision. “Was I foolish?” is one question that routinely troubles many of those in a situation like me. The worst is when your professors join the other people’s league… they either crack right-on-target jokes, or worst still, sympathise.

Somehow, this is not something that pisses me off anymore. The worst is being the second- best friend for someone. And you feel sorry for yourself in case the person in consideration is somebody you consider a very, very good friend. There is not one person in the institute who considers me their best friend… I am the back-up option for so many people that introspection leads me to cogitate that there’s a flaw in my social behaviour. The most asphyxiating situation arises when your so-called hangout group comprises BFFs… It’s like being caught in a trap. Whatever you talk doesn’t hold importance, whatever you say is of zero concern, and people around you think you are having a really good time, and technically, you are left with no choice but carry on because you have no life beyond this group.

I understand why people call man a social animal. There are moments when you just feel like escaping from the scene, evaporate into thin air… At times, it feels as if your importance at that point of time is not much more than that of a spider in the far corner of your room… it feels nobody would even notice if you suddenly disappeared, and that is partially true. There are times when you feel so lonely that you hide in a corner and cry. It is really frustrating to always be the one who listens. They call me pessimistic, but they don’t realise I have a right to be that. When your opinions don’t matter, when the only job you have is to work out ways to be heard, and try to fit somehow into the conversation, it gets suffocating. And when you try and complain, those around you think you have an attention seeking attitude. Sympathy is not what anybody desires. What each one of us needs is love.

Whatever anybody says, I think I have a whole bunch of reasons of being pessimistic. So does everybody else. It is just the way you handle your life.

Life teaches lessons. It is the way you interpret them that really makes all the difference. I made a mistake way back. And its consequences are not all good.

P.S.: I have promises to keep. No more public display of pessimism after this.